This week in class was interesting, we focused a lot on defining what is ‘attractive’ and how it differs from culture and person. We also had a long and involved lesson on co-habitation and the impact it has on marriage and relationships however in this blog I will not be talking about that but focusing more on the attraction aspect.

                So the best place to start is the most basic aspect, “what is attraction”?

                Well quite frankly that is really hard to describe because we all think about it in a different way. There are definitely somethings that we all look for in a potential spouse, things like physical attractiveness (one of my mission companions put it best, he said something along the lines of “you don’t want to wake up, roll over one day and look at your wife and think eehhhhhhh!!!!), we tend to look at a persons values, if they feel the same way you do about things like money, religion, kids etc…, we also look at their personality and try to figure out if we are “compatible”. So those are a few things that we as humans tend to look for in a potential spouse, but the way we defined those in class was by calling them ‘filters’ that we put people through. It is different for every person too usually based on how they were raised and the things and people they grew up around. For instance when I was looking for a wife I wanted to marry and be around women who were strong personalities but not ‘in your face’ annoying about it, but that was because my mother and my older sister were ‘very strong’ in their personalities. After all I didn’t want to marry someone who needed me to baby sit her or take care of everything in the house and out of it. We all have things like that that we have or did look for and so those kinds of filters  help us choose people we want to date or even hang out with.

                We talked about hoe people who have similarities tend to get married, but lets face it if you were to marry someone who was another you than one of you would be totally irrelevant.  We took a poll of the class and everyone agreed that they would rather be married to someone who balanced them out by being different than them. It was interesting to hear the kinds of things that women wanted in a man and the guys wanted in women. Generally the women wanted a sensitive guy who was in touch with his emotions, and the men wanted a woman who was willing to stand side by side with him.

                So then the discussion shifted around until we were talking about ‘how’ we become attracted to one another and our teacher talked about how instead of it being one great big earth shattering moment it is usually a process. Yes you can be immediately attracted to someone and yes it can be earth shaking, but it doesn’t just stop there it tends to grow or shrink from that initial moment. There are 3 things that are needed in order to have attractiveness grow or shrink.

                The first is “Time”, he made the argument that it takes a minimum of 3 months to know someone well enough that you are really attracted to them and not just the idea of them. Or in other words that is the time that it takes to have put people through all or at least the majority of the filters that you put people through.

                The second thing you need is to talk, you need to be willing to tell the other things about yourself frankly and honestly (because a relationship built on lies is almost always destined to fail) and so by talking about yourself and the other talking about themselves it allows you to learn about each other and frankly to start to grow closer together. I am not saying you should throw all your dirty laundry at their feet and hope for the best but as you slowly reveal the things about yourself that make you unique, when it comes to your likes and dislikes; also talking about your past and what makes you the way you are it shows trust that is being built up in the sharing and receiving of every part of the person you are wanting to grow around and with.

                The third thing you need to have is togetherness, you need to be willing to do a variety of things together to share experiences and build memories together. But there is another aspect of it as well and that is that you will see the person in situations and learn things about them that you would not be able to learn any other way. Someone in class said the best way to tell how some is under pressure you take them camping for the weekend, so you can see how they are after a few days of hard work (hiking), no luxuries, and frankly uncomfortable situations all around. If they do well under that kind of pressure than perhaps they would do well when/if you are married and have kids and don’t get sleep because of kids and you have to work hard and be in uncomfortable positions because of moves or jobs etc…

                It is not a full proof thing but the principle is valled and can be applied to a lot of things but I digress that I don’t have enough time to talk about them all.

                I feel like I could talk about this kind of thing a lot but I am trying not to get on a soapbox so I will stop myself here and hope for the best.

                Please let me know what you think about my blog and feel free to comment on anything in here. 

The discussions that we had this week were very interesting, we were talking about gender and the differences that can be found in men and women. We talked for a while about the people who are trying to blur the lines between the different genders and the impact that that is having on society today.

As we spoke about the differences of men and women it was funny to me (as it always is) to note the difference that men and women have. A couple of years ago a friend of mine and I were talking about things and she commented how she wished more men would think like guy men so that more guys could understand girls. I couldn’t help but laugh when she said that but it does bear some thinking about. What differences are there in the mentality of men and women? Are they good or bad?

We talked about how society tends to teach each of the genders what they ‘should’ be like. They try to force ideas onto each other, and while I do not advocate that by any means there are some good things that can come from societal teachings. When we opened the class we talked about a quote that talked about raising boys to be more like girls, and while I disagreed initially I know that there is some merit in the idea. Instead of raising boys to be more like girls what if we were to raise boys to be men, girls to be women and then we do our best to help them understand one another.

As our discussion progressed we ended up talking more and more about how the differences between men and women is not a bad thing but instead something that can balance each other out. Stereotypically men don’t do as well with babies as women, and men tend to be more violent than women. The argument of course being that men are the ‘hunter gatherers’ and women are ‘nurturers’ when it comes to the roles. Now there are exceptions of course but they have shown with studies and reports that boys have a greater tendency to pick up a stick (or anything for that matter) and pretend it is a gun, and women tent to pick up a stick and pretend it is a baby and take care of it. As we talked and discussed the readings that we had and the observations that we made for ourselves I couldn’t help but wonder why people want to blur the lines between genders? I am not trying to say people who have same gender attraction are bad, or the fact that women tend to make less money in the work place is the way it should be, but why should men be more sensitive if they do not make the choice to for themselves? Why should women be pushed to work outside the house if they don’t want to?

To be quite frank the stereo typical roles that men and women have has built a working society for how many hundreds of years or at least builds working families in society for hundreds of years, so why are we working so hard to change it? Again I would be happy to see women making more money in the workplace if that is what they want to do, or for men to understand women regularly, but why are we forcing change instead of motivation change? I have had many conversations with my wife where when she tells people that she wants to be a full time mom she is questioned and told that she is wrong. But I can’t help but ask why? If that is what she wants who should be able to question that?

I firmly believe that genders existed before we were born and there are not ‘mistakes’ with gender. Are there more masculine women than me absolutely, are there more feminine men than my wife? Heck yeah there is. But does that mean that they have to be ashamed of that? Why is that not accepted by society to the point where they feel the need to change? A story was shared of a woman who has a medical condition that causes more testosterone in her body than the average woman, she was not into babies or dresses, and she liked going out and doing guy stuff more than the average girl. She is happily married to a man, and lives as happy and satisfying a life as anyone else and it didn’t require her to do anything other than live up to herself.

I am not trying to sound arrogant enough to say that I know the answer to every problem going on out in life, but I do know that if we were to raise boys to be men (however they chose to be) and girls to be women (again however they choose to do that) than I think there would be a lot more satisfaction in the lives of people in general. Why is who, how, why and what you are bad? Why do you need to change?

I was never a ‘normal person’ and for many years I was angry about it but once I started to live true to myself, then I started to be happier and I grew into a better person. Somehow I convinced my Beautiful wife to marry me and you know what, this still not normal guy has a happy marriage with a wonderful wife who completes me and helps me be my best self. We get in arguments about x-men, jedi’s, and she indulges my nerd-iness when buying me gifts. I love her desire to dress up our kids and research medical conditions that just don’t make sense to me. Life is not easy nor will it ever be but if you own who you are then what is the big deal? Why do we push our own ideas on other people about ‘how they should be’?

I am not a philosopher however and honestly would love to hear anyone’s thoughts on things like this. If you try to change my mind about any one thing then honestly ‘good luck’ but I realize your opinions are important to. Please share if you are willing.

  I forgot to post this information last week because I got caught up in things that are not that important. By the way I am not really sure how to begin a blog post so I will be jumping in each week with both feet.
  We began talking about the different systems that come with family, relationships and in general any kind of dynamic that sets up over time (I say that because I am including unmarried couples living together and single parent families).
 
  The first theory we talked about is called "Family Systems"; it is the idea that the whole family is greater and more important than the parts. It is the idea that a person looks more to the needs and wants of the whole family rather than being worried about each of ourselves individually.
 
  The second theory is called "Conflict"; This is the idea that one person is trying to influence or even control the other person (or people) in the family. It is on the most basic level a power struggle in the family. It tends to lead to arguments and trouble further down the road if the family is not careful. Of all the things we talked about this one was the most interesting and disturbing for me because I hate conflict with a passion. I get uncomfortable when I am around any kind of conflict (not to be mistaken with argument which is different in my mind because conflict is loud, angry and negative every time, but arguments can be worthwhile and helpful in order to resolve problems before they become serious) that I can't help but just want to leave. Learning about something like this helped me be more careful about how and why I do things in order to avoid it more in my own home.

  The third is called Exchange theory; this idea is more about the give and take that comes in life. It usually involves more of a healthy relationship that has give and take (remember this includes family, work, and friend relationships). When you are around and with people they are willing to give back and invest in the relationship, and  you are investing in the relationship as well.

  The fourth and last theory that we talked about is called Symbolic Interaction. This one is one that I had a hard time understanding but I will explain it as best as I can. It is the idea that everything that happens is symbolic, or represents, the heath of the relationship. For example if a husband and wife choose not to sit next to one another when they watch a movie that could be 'symbolic' of them fighting, or it could be 'symbolic' of any number of things that could be happening.
  It would take a psychological degree that I don't have to go into that kind of thing more but the basics of it is that the families actions show the way the family feel and the things they are going through.

  It was interesting to hear about all of these because while the idea of them are not too new, to be able to lay it out so black and white. To think about these things and look at how/where I am in my life and wit the relationships that I have in my life is kind of insightful when I look at it seriously. If I am willing to look at the way things are and apply even the ideas of these things I actually think it can help give a critical measuring stick in which to see how your relationships are and how they can be improved. No it is not a 100% science by reading a blog that comes from the notes of a college student, but it is a place where anyone who wants can find a place to start and work for an improved relationship.
       Cool right?